(Spoof) Interview With The President

An Interview with the President

by Kathy Tibbits

Interviewer:  Mr. President, it was a close election, right down to the wire, and you won by 1% of the vote.  Ohio put you over the top, and Ohio voters said that that jobs were worse than when you got elected.  You won't be running for re-election.  Who would you like to see take your place?

Bush:  Well, you know, Helen, I believe that my other brother Jeb down in Florida has a knack for sifting thru the voter lists and getting rid of all the undesireables, and a tight campaign machine--- er, I mean a "friendly" state election system.  I'd like to see him run.  You know... keep it all in the family like the Queen of England.  I think he's the man to carry on my legacy of deficits.  

Mr. Cheney:  He meant to say "budget priorities."

Bush:  Right.  Budget priorities and corporatization of federal revenues.

Mr. Cheney:  He meant to say "global economic growth."

Bush:  Right.  It is time for America to turn to tiny little trigger-button issues on the Home Front, while Dick and Condi paint with some large brushstrokes in the foreign policy arena.  You know, clear out Iraq and put in the oil companies. 

Mr. Cheney:  I wouldn't say "clear out" Iraq.  Its more like, "Make Iraq like America."

Interviewer:  When you say, "Make Iraq like America" do you mean "Make Iraq more Americanized" or do you mean "Make the people like us?"

Bush:  Both.  Did you ever hear of democracy?  Does the Liberal Media know anything about democracy?  I'm talking about one man one vote.  Then the lobbyists come in and make the decisions.  Until we have special interests who can deliver the money for TV ads in Iraq, we'll never have democracy there.  That's when we'll pull out... after a secure and compliant government is elected by the people.

Mr. Cheney:  I wouldn't say we'll ever "pull out."  You know, Helen, building voting in Iraq has its problems.  I think we'll be there for a long, long time.  And since we're there anyway, why not build a pipeline to get all that oil to America?  With all those big gas-guzzler Hum-Vees on the highways, and American gas peaking in 5 years, We're going to be the ones buying all the fossil fuels anyway.  Let's just secure that against foreign weirdos who want to sell it in a free market.

Interviewer:  Mr. Cheney, a lot of fuss has been made about your secret  meetings and letting the energy companies drive the agenda in energy policy.

Mr. Cheney:  Didn't happen.  Don't know what you're talking about.  Shut up.

Interviewer:  Um, OK.  Let's move on to WMD.  Congress voted for war because you assured them of Weapons of Mass Destruction.  Why Iraq?  And where are the WMD.

Bush:  Look.  Understand one thing.  There are Weapons of Mass Destruction, and we're very close to them.  So far, 14,000 lives have been lost.  Billions of dollars have been spent.  America is under terra alerts every time my ratings go down.  What does it take to prove to you that SOMEONE has weapons of mass destruction? And if you don't believe that, believe this:  What we said was technically true, because we were secretly in Iraq, and WE had WMD.

Interviewer:  I see.  We have a Republican Executive Branch, a Republican Senate and a Republican House.  Recent efforts to get a Right-Wing Judiciary have been criticized as tinkering with the Balance of Powers-- the Checks and Balances of the Founding Fathers in the Constitution.  What do you think about that?

Bush:  "Checks and balances."  It isn't my job.  I think my deficit proves that I don't give a hoot about checks and balances.  Now if you want to talk about fundraising checks and campaign coffer balances, I'm all ears.

Interviewer:  I see.  Which brings me to another subject... cartoonists depict you as a simeon kinda guy.  Does that offend you?

Bush:  Simeon?

Interviewer:  Monkey.

Bush:  Let me answer that with an analogy.  You know that I stopped new diabetes research because it involved using stem cells from human tissue.  I have said it before and I'll say it again.  Read our lips, "I am not an Organ Grinder!" 

Interviewer:  Mr. President, thanks for taking time from your busy schedule for this interview.  I'll let you get back on your tour to promote privatization of Social Security.  But I have one final subject.  How does privatization of Social Security help to solve the funding debt?  Won't Social Security be deeper in debt than ever?  Won't social programs have to make up for bad investments?  Won't retirees have less to make-do with?

Bush:  My best Republican minds have been studying that.  It works like this:  Private accounts will rarely out-perform the market, and retirees will have less to live on.  As they become homeless and the mortality rate increases, our payment burden also goes down.  Simple math.  My wonks are calling it "Trickle Away" economics.  Thanks Helen.  Hey, sorry about kicking you out of the Presidential Press Corp.  Let me get you a Commendation for being a Presidential Pioneer.  Here ya go.  You take care now.  Bye.  Toodles.  Git.

In My Opinion, its all about Individual Freedoms...

Every day, you hear that Republicans in Congress are taking bold steps on quirky subjects. One day it might be Terry Schiavo and the right to stay plugged into life support systems long after the quality of her life has declined to that of a paralyzed, bedridden person. The next day, Republicans in Congress are trying to do away with 200 years of history by ending congressional filibuster. Another day, some Republican Senator is talking about trying to punish a news comentator under the laws of Treason, for commenting about how the troop shortage has to do with low public support for the way the Iraq war is being managed.

To me, all of these Republican pushes are about taking away the peoples' choices about things involving their own lives. Families and courts should be free to decide about life support systems, not interfered-with by Congress. Filibusters may be keeping Republicans from getting judges that they want, but the filibuster itself is not the problem... Republicans want to sweep away rules that stand in their way-- not because Congressmen shouldn't be allowed to talk. And when someone speaks out with a different view about why the war is a big mess, they shouldn't be put into prison for noticing it.

Democrats have a long history of standing up for individual freedoms, and Republicans have a long history of forcing their opinions on the whole population. That's one reason why I am a Democrat.